Healing from narcissistic abuse or psychopathic abuse is uniquely painful when the person who harmed you also gave you some of the most meaningful experiences of your life.
Many survivors struggle not because they can’t remember the abuse—but because they also remember moments of deep connection, joy, intimacy, and emotional closeness. These conflicting memories can make healing feel confusing, lonely, and slow. But this struggle is not a sign of weakness. It is a predictable response to a very specific kind of trauma.
Why narcissistic and psychopathic abuse is so confusing
Unlike other forms of trauma, narcissistic and psychopathic abuse is relational and psychological. It often includes:
• intense emotional bonding
• charm and idealization
• periods of warmth, validation, and connection
• followed by manipulation, cruelty, gaslighting, or abandonment
This creates a trauma bond, where the nervous system becomes attached to both the relief and the pain. The result is a deep internal conflict. How could someone who felt so good also do such terrible harm? The answer is uncomfortable but important: both experiences can be real at the same time.
The trauma of holding contradictory memories
Many survivors feel pressured to resolve the contradiction by choosing one narrative:
• “It was all fake.”
• “It wasn’t really abuse.”
Neither extreme leads to healing. Trying to erase the good memories invalidates your lived experience. Minimizing the harm invalidates your pain. The nervous system becomes stuck because it is trying to make sense of two truths that feel incompatible—but are not.
Why “just remember the bad” doesn’t help
Well-meaning advice like,“Remember how abusive they were…They never really loved you…It was all manipulation,” often increases suffering rather than reducing it.
Why? Because your body also remembers laughter, safety, closeness, and moments of genuine meaning. Denying those memories can feel like denying yourself. Healing does not require rewriting history. It requires integrating reality.
Intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding
A key mechanism in narcissistic and psychopathic abuse is intermittent reinforcement—unpredictable cycles of reward and punishment. This pattern:
• strengthens (unhealthy) emotional attachment
• intensifies longing for the “good version” of the person
• makes positive memories feel disproportionately powerful
The brain learns connection might return if I endure the pain.
This is conditioning, not choice—and it explains why letting go can feel so difficult.
Over time, the attachment becomes electrified, causing highs to feel euphoric and lows to feel devastating. This undulating cycle of back and forth creates addictive neurochemical patterns in the brain. Moving away from such connections is not as simple as deciding to leave; it often results in a kind of withdrawal from the pain–relief cycle itself.
Initially, re-entering peace does not feel truly peaceful. For a period of time, it can feel like waves of craving for the connection. When these cravings are resisted, survivors may be vulnerable to substituting other unhealthy or self-harming patterns in an attempt to regulate their nervous system (such as substance abuse, indiscriminate sex, impulsive decision-making, rushing into a new connection to escape past feelings, etc). This cycle can continue throughout no-contact for months, sometimes even years.
This cycle is not the survivor “being crazy.” It is a neurochemical detoxification process, one that is best supported by intentional, self-regulating practices that help rewire the brain and heal the nervous system over time.
When psychopathic traits are involved
When psychopathic traits are present, the healing process can be even more complex. Psychopathy may include:
• emotional mimicry without attachment (mirroring)
• charm without empathy (wearing a mask)
• intimacy without accountability (lying, noncommittal)
This can lead survivors to realize:
• some meaningful moments were not emotionally mutual
• remorse or closure may never come from the other person
• repair may be impossible within the connection itself
This realization is profoundly painful—but it does not mean the experience was meaningless to you.
Why the good memories hurt the most
For many survivors, the most painful memories are not the overt abuse—but the moments that felt safe, loving, or transcendent. These memories hurt because they represent:
• what you hoped for
• what you invested in
• what never stabilized
You are not grieving just a person—you are grieving a story that never resolved.
You may also be grieving experiences that feel as though they were stolen from you. This often happens when an abuser lies and intentionally creates mutual plans for a shared future they never intend to fulfill. This behavioral pattern is sometimes called future faking. It involves indulging the survivor in elaborate promises and fantasies that raise their hopes and deepen the emotional bond through a false sense of anticipation and shared vision. In essence, lying about your future together.
Insight vs. integration in abuse recovery
Understanding what happened is important—but insight alone does not heal trauma. True healing involves integration, which means:
• allowing both good and bad memories to coexist
• releasing the need to fully explain the abuser
• letting the nervous system learn safety without intensity
Integration is not about clarity. It’s about peace.
A healthier way to hold the truth
Healing begins when survivors can say:
The good moments were real experiences for me.
The abuse was real and unacceptable.
I do not need to resolve this contradiction to heal.
This stance allows the nervous system to stop cycling through the same questions in search of relief.
Why healing from narcissistic abuse takes time
Recovery from narcissistic or psychopathic abuse often takes longer because survivors must heal:
• attachment wounds
• identity confusion
• nervous system dysregulation
• grief for what never became safe
This is especially true for survivors who are:
• introspective
• empathic
• spiritually reflective
• meaning-oriented
Your depth did not cause the abuse—but it may shape how you heal from it.
You deserve peace, even without answers. You do not need to decide how real the love was, how intentional the harm was, or what it all ultimately meant. Healing does not require a final explanation. It begins when you allow yourself to say:
Something beautiful existed.
Something harmful existed.
And I deserve peace anyway.
Emily Arth, MSW, LCSW, C.Hyp knows not all mental health providers are equally equipped to work with cases of intense, long-term trauma caused by narcissistic and psychopathic wounding. That’s why it’s important to find an appropriate therapist who can assist your healing process without causing further unintended pain.
She is a survivor of narcissistic abuse as well as a world-class clinician. Since 2011, she has worked successfully with individuals and families suffering from these types of relational experiences.
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